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scareykatt
Wednesday, 26 February 2003

Gift Givers
By Kazz Falcon

I wasn’t Santa at all
I was only a HIV + person
What else can I say?
I gave people the HIV virus
They wanted to be a part of the HIV community
They didn’t seemed to care at all
I gladly gave them what they want
No questions ask
You could say it’s Russian Roulette
My penis was the gun
Hey, it was their lifes
I can’t complained, neither they can
Sometimes, they paid me money
No, I wasn’t a prostitute
They want HIV at any cost
I wasn’t making that much on my job
I couldn’t refuse the money
I wouldn’t turn down money either
It will help me in the long run
Whatever works for them, works for me


Posted by scareykatt at 3:26 AM EST
Updated: Sunday, 1 October 2006 3:43 AM EDT
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Tuesday, 25 February 2003

Bug Chasers
By Kazz Falcon

I set out to become HIV infected
I didn’t care how I got the disease
I was never big on drugs
Sex was the next best thing
I had a lot of promiscuous, unsafe sex
I was popular at the bathhouses, sex clubs and the sex parties
I often had it over five times a week
On the weekend, I always lost count
I couldn’t get sex enough
Sex was my whole being
It was my main reason to live
I lived to be serve by any men at any cost
I couldn’t stop thinking about it
I saw being part of the HIV-AIDS community as a way of belonging
I looked forward to that day
Everyone has a sense of belonging somewhere
My place was with HIV community
I mostly seek out “the gift givers”
They were HIV + men who knowingly and deliberately infect others
I simply don’t care about the consequences
I celebrated and advertised bareback on the Internet
Because I wanted to be HIV infected
HIV + people was living longer
They often don't show the outside signs of the disease
No matter what, life was good at either end


Posted by scareykatt at 3:25 AM EST
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Monday, 24 February 2003

Denied Alcoholic
By Kazz Falcon

Say it with me
I don’t have a drinking problem
Say it again
I don’t have a drinking problem
Once more
I don’t have a drinking problem
Yes, some friends believed I had one
What do they really know about me?
My life was perfect in every way
I had a wonderful boss, beautiful place and cool friends
I was so freaking happy with my life
I don’t have any problems at all
I paid my rent and bills on time
I was never late at my job
Still, they can’t get it out of their minds
I was able to hold onto everything
My life was under control
Come on now
I don’t have a drinking problem
Say it
Yes, I partied at the clubs every weekend
I was a social drinker


Posted by scareykatt at 3:25 AM EST
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Sunday, 23 February 2003

Things Never Change
By Kazz Falcon

I dated my ex boyfriend
Things have never been so much better
We started to fall back in love
He remembered my favorite food
We had so much fun dating
We got to know each other again
We meant so much to each other
It was good to be in each other’s lifes again
Life was fabulous with him
We took things very slowly
Last time, we went too fast
Something happened
He showed up drunk at my place
I don’t believed it
He hasn’t stop drinking
He was still working as a bartender
I gave him another chance at love
He just walked all over me
He claimed he didn’t have a drinking problem
He was happy with me
Yet, I wasn’t happy with him
I can’t do this again
I just can’t
It was hard the first time
It nearly destroy my life
His drinking reopened old wounds
I still felt the knife in my heart
It cut deeper into my soul
I cried out loud in pain
I wished I hadn’t went back to him
Things never change


Posted by scareykatt at 3:23 AM EST
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Saturday, 22 February 2003

Reunited With The Ex
By Kazz Falcon

I ran into my ex the other day
We haven’t seen each other since last year
Things got in the way of the relationship
We didn’t parted on good terms
We caught up with each other
He straightened out his life
He was sorry for the pain he caused me
I was happy he went to rehab
He wanted another chance with me
I didn’t think it was a good ideal
I moved on with my life
We were so different from each other
We grown apart too
He was attraction to me as much I was to him
He mentioned our break up was his wake up call
It changed his life
He has new outlook on life too
He couldn’t do it without me in his life
I thought about another relationship with him
We both had enough time to heal
We went our separate ways
We rebuilt our lifes
We were happier with our lifes
Yet, we found each other again
Could it work for the second time?
Should we give it a try?
Would we drift apart again?
Only time would tell
We will take things slowly
We will remain at our own apartments
I was reunited with the ex
 

Posted by scareykatt at 3:22 AM EST
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Friday, 21 February 2003

Innocence Victims
By Kazz Falcon

I came into the life of crime
It wasn’t a life I want for myself
It just happened
It was forced on me
I couldn’t do a thing about it
I threatened by my friend
Damn, it was out of control
I was in too deep
I couldn’t get enough sleep
I saw the fear in her eyes
I wanted to help her anyway I can
There weren’t any phones at my place
He knew I would call the police
We were somewhere in the country
No one would have a chance to find her
I promised her that I would protect her from him
We need to find a way out of the mess
She trusted me and has faith in me
I didn’t mean any harm to her
It was never my ideal
My friend and I were talking one night
We wondered how we could get fast money
One thing led to the next
We were pretty drunk that night
Weeks later, he brought home a little girl
He claimed she was his niece
It didn’t strike me as odd
The girl was acting strangely
He mentioned it was being in a new place
I could relate to her
She doesn’t how to react around with strangers
Few days later, I read the newspaper
There was an article about a missing girl
She fitted the girl’s description to the tee
I confronted him with the truth
He admitted it was the same girl
Damn, I don’t believe he could do such a thing
I wanted to take her home in the car
She needs to be home with her family
He grabbed the keys from my hand
He mentioned I was in deep as he was
He would turn on me if I tell the police
It was his story against mine
He ruined my life in the mess
I just wanted to do the right thing
I had no choice in the matter
I didn’t want to end up in jail
The girl and I were the innocence victims


Posted by scareykatt at 3:21 AM EST
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Thursday, 20 February 2003

Another Chance
By Kazz Falcon

I made a drastic mistake
I slept with another man
I was drunk at the club
This guy took me home with him
I went home in the morning
My boyfriend wondered where I was
I wasn’t a good lair
He saw I had the same clothes on
I was being upfront about last night
He had a hard time with it
We were in a monogamous relationship
We didn’t fool around with the men
We were committed to our love
I did a stupid thing
I wasn’t proud of the fling
I was happy with him
I didn’t meant it to happen
It just happened
He wasn’t please with me
I begged for his forgiveness
I didn’t want anyone else, but him
I destroyed our relationship
He broke up with me
I pleaded with him for another chance


Posted by scareykatt at 3:20 AM EST
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Wednesday, 19 February 2003

Here I Sat
By Kazz Falcon

Here I sat in my chair
I pondered what to do
Nothing seems interesting to me
Something that couldn’t grab my attention
Anything wouldn’t give me sparks
Here I sat in front of the computer
I was about to give up the search
The jobs wasn’t there for me
I went to all the employment sites
So far, I came up empty handed
Here I sat with the newspaper
I circled all the job leads I want
I called them up on the phone
There were either taken or faraway from me
I was bored with looking for a job
Here I sat stared into space
I can’t go on like this
I had a bad feeling
I need to find a job soon
I was running out of time
Here I sat crying
I pleaded with God
I asked, I shall receive
Things must get better with my life
I don’t want to live in the street
Here I sat in the chair


Posted by scareykatt at 3:20 AM EST
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Tuesday, 18 February 2003

The Family Plead
By Kazz Falcon

Hello, people and the press
This was the hardest thing for us
My little girl was kidnapped in the park
We couldn’t bare of losing her
She was our pride and joy
Words couldn’t describe how we felt
Only the emotions spoke volumes for us
It broke our heart
Our precious girl was missing
We want everyone to be on the lookout
Please, whatever u do, call the police
Any lead may help capture the kidnapper
We want our little girl back home where she belongs
If you are a parent, you will doing a favor for your kid too
Please call the police
I offered $500,000 to the capture of the creep
Don’t evoke the kidnapper
Let the police do their job
My little girl is counting on you
Let bring her back home
We need to stop the madness everywhere
Your loved one may be at risk
If someone is suspicious, call the police
Please call the police
We might be too late
I really hope not
She could be already be dead
God, please give us the strength
We can’t let her to be dead
She deserved to be alive
Kids are harmless
Look at our tears
We’re crying out for help
We can’t let this ever happen again
Our kids should be safe at any cost
My heart goes out for every kid out there
We missed her very much
We loved her as much as life itself
God bless you


Posted by scareykatt at 3:19 AM EST
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Monday, 17 February 2003

The Kidnapped Girl
By Kazz Falcon

Help me
Please somebody help me
Someone kidnapped me from the park
I didn’t saw his face
He wore a black mask
My mother tried to rescue me
He knocked her down to the ground
God, I was frightened
I didn’t know where he took me
He tied me up with rope
I can’t run away at all
God, he hurt me very badly
The rope was too tight around my ankles
He drove every direction
I couldn’t tell you where he took me
He confused me good in the ride
I was in a tiny room with a mattress on the floor
He served me food under the door
I can’t get out
The windows was bricked
No one will heard me scream
This was the worst nightmare of my young life
I wished my family would find me soon
I truly missed them
I cried every day in bed
The future looked so bleak for me


Posted by scareykatt at 3:18 AM EST
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Sunday, 16 February 2003

The Kidnapper
By Kazz Falcon

I kidnapped this girl
Oh, how much I wanted to
She was the perfect girl for me
Her parents was pretty rich
Of course, they will do anything to get her back
I wouldn’t give her back at all
They need to pay me dearly
She doesn’t come cheap
I won’t settle anything less than $2 million
If the police gets involve, the price will go up
I didn’t feel any remorse at all
No one will give me a break
I tried to find another job
They turned their back on me
It was so hard on me
I couldn’t pay the rent, the bills and etc
Desperate times means desperate measures
I had no other choice at all
I don’t give a damn about her family
I was a scapegoat for her daddy
He promised he will take care of everything
Bull!
He was only looking out for himself
He was a saint in everyone’s eyes
He could do no wrong
Why should I feel remorse about the kid?
I did it for the money and payback
He deserved all the pain I brought to him
He won’t get away with it
Revenge was sweet and tasty
It will be even sweeter when I get all the money
Until then, they won’t see her ever again


Posted by scareykatt at 3:17 AM EST
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Saturday, 15 February 2003

Jesus Christ Entered
By Kazz Falcon

Jesus Christ entered into my heart
I felt his presence in my being
It was an awesome feeling
I have never been so alive
I had his warmth
I had his love
I had his comfort
I celebrated my newfound happiness
I was at peace
He took all the pain away from him
I don’t have any more sorrows
I was glad I didn’t shut the door on him
I gave him all my problems
He changed my life drastically
Life couldn’t get any better than this


Posted by scareykatt at 3:15 AM EST
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Friday, 14 February 2003

Non Believer
By Kazz Falcon

I don’t believe it
I just can’t
It was really, really him
Oh my God!
Damn, why couldn’t it be someone else?
I don’t believed in him
I had never believe that there was a God
I wasn’t one of his followers
I don’t believe in the bible either
It was a bunch of lies
Some verses are hypocritical
The bible misled people
I wished he hasn’t show up
He came too late, too many years passed
He wasn’t there when I need him the most
I was at the most lonely and horrifying time of my life
My parents was murdered outside of a restaurant
Then I was placed with my abusive aunt
Hello, what kind of God would do that to his own children?
I had an hard time accepting my parents’ death
I had to deal with my aunt too
I can’t trust him anymore
There was no God in my world
He was worthless in my life
I don’t feel sympathy or love from him at all
He was an illusion that a bunch of people made up
He was the almighty powerful God
Yeah, right
I can’t depend on an illusion    
I was proud to admit that I was a atheist


Posted by scareykatt at 3:15 AM EST
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Thursday, 13 February 2003

Knock, Knock
By Kazz Falcon

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
There wasn’t any answer
Knock, knock
Knock, knock
I looked through the peephole
I couldn’t see anyone
I went back watching TV
Knock, knock
Who is it?
Knock, knock
Please go away
Knock, knock
I still can’t see someone through the peephole
It dawned on me
It could be someone short
I opened the door
I was wrong
Nobody was there
Knock, knock
I rushed to the door
Once again, nobody was there
I realized it could be those pesky kids
Knock, knock
Damn them, damn them to hell
I grabbed a cup of water
I opened the door and tossed it on them
Oops, it was my next-door neighbor
He heard some screaming from my place
I explained that the kids played nigger knocking
He mentioned nobody entered the apartments
I found that odd
I turned on the radio
Here we go again
Knock, knock
Knock, knock
Knock, knock
I tried to ignore it
The knock, knocks became louder than the music
I got madder
I opened the door
Nobody was there
I looked around outside
I couldn’t see anyone
I went back inside
Knock, knock
Why me?
I just want a relaxing day
Is that too much to ask?
Knock, knock
Hmm, that was strange
It was coming from inside of my place
Knock, knock
It drove me crazy
I searched everywhere for that person
I still couldn’t find anyone
Knock, knock
All along, I was such a fool
It was a different door
I felt it in my heart
It was Jesus Christ


Posted by scareykatt at 3:14 AM EST
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Wednesday, 12 February 2003

New Man Of The House
By Kazz Falcon

My dad was killed in a car accident few months ago
It was upon me to take care my family
I was the oldest kid, 17 year old
The rest were 15, 12, 9 and 6
Our mom worked two jobs to support us
It was very hard on her
I made it easier for her
I quit the eleventh grade
Of course, she was pretty upset by it
She threatened to kick my ass if I didn’t go back
I knew she wouldn’t do such a thing
She can’t raise us all by herself
She needed help
I can always go back to school in my twenties
This wasn’t the time for school
Her two jobs and raising five kids took a toll on her
She wasn’t getting sleep at all
She dragged her feet everywhere
She could barely keep up with the kids
The kids did more chores around the house
The 15 babysat the rest and cooked
The 12 did the dishes and the bathroom
The 9 kept the rooms clean
The youngest was being a kid
We became responsible in our young ages
It pleased our mother very much
None of us was a huge problem
Yes, there were fights
We settled it ourselves
We didn’t want to bother her with the fights
She already had a big plate to handle
Most days, she worked 12-hour shifts at the restaurant
I worked with her for eight hours
Then, I went straight home
I made sure everything was fabulous before she came
She couldn’t done it without our help, mostly mine
I was the new man of the house


Posted by scareykatt at 3:13 AM EST
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Tuesday, 11 February 2003

A Fatherless Void
By Kazz Falcon

My father passed away in 1973
It left a huge void in my life
I felt so empty inside
It crushed my being
I was four year old
It wasn’t right that I didn’t had a father to love
My parents was my whole world
I loved them dearly
As I got older, I wanted a man to love
A father figure would be there for me
I didn’t receive that much love from my mother
There were four of us, kids
There wasn’t enough mom to go around
Something strange happened to me
I developed feelings for men
I couldn’t understand why
I wasn’t expose to the gay lifestyle at that time
I haven’t met a gay person either
Being gay was the furthest thing from my mind
I just wanted a father to love
Yet, somehow it turned into something else
Why did it happen to me?
I can’t be that way, I just can’t
An absent father couldn’t make me gay
No way, no how
It wasn’t possible
Yes, I missed my dad so much
Yes, I wanted a man to love
Yes, I mostly stay home with my mom
That doesn’t make me gay
God, I just wanted a father to love
Instead, I gained sexual feelings for men
I had the fatherless void


Posted by scareykatt at 3:12 AM EST
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Monday, 10 February 2003

My First Crush
By Kazz Falcon

I remembered him quite well
He was blonde, blue eyes and my brother’s best friend
We were about the same age
He lived next door to us in Cleveland
I wouldn’t dare to tell anyone about my crush
I just kept it inside of me
Besides, the other kids will make fun of me
I didn’t want to go through that trouble
I don’t think anyone would stand up for me
Back then, gay was off limits
No matter what, I wanted to spend all my time with him
He was the only person I could think of
My dad passed away
I didn’t have anyone to look up to
My brother wouldn’t cut it
He was the new man of the house
It wasn’t the same without our daddy
The blonde kid was someone I could talk to
Why not him?
He was closest to my age
He was a perfect friend
We got along just absolutely fabulous
My brother was kind of jealous
I always tag along
We did about everything together
Something big happened to all of us
My family moved away to DFW
We didn’t stay in touch at all
I was so sad that I wouldn’t have him as a friend
A void entered my heart
There went my first crush


Posted by scareykatt at 3:11 AM EST
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Sunday, 9 February 2003

Old Friends
By Kazz Falcon

Last month, I came upon an old friend online
I found his Christian web site
He was the pastor for Grace Fellowship
I couldn’t believed that
I remembered we were in the church choir
He came a long way since then; everyone did
I haven’t seen him in a long time
He moved to Austin with his lover
Today, I sent him an IM
He didn’t know who I was
I brought up our friends, the church and such
He still hasn’t have the slightest ideal
I sent my picture in an email
He finally recognized me as Queen
We caught up with each other’s lifes
He still lived in Austin with their new adoption baby
I was still a hell raiser in Hollyweird, so to speak!
He wondered when I was going to visit Dallas
I have no clue yet
My other friend tried to get me to come down last fall
Something came up
It have been too long since I last saw them
I can’t wait at all
Hopefully soon, I would see my old friends


Posted by scareykatt at 3:10 AM EST
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Saturday, 8 February 2003

My First Time
By Kazz Falcon

I was quite young
Ten year old, to be exactly
He was in high school
We lived across the street from each other
His mother was a lesbian and had a gay lover
We was quite close, as close as family
I knew I was gay, but I never act on those feelings
I found him quite attraction
A window opportunity opened for us
Nobody was at his home
We decided to fool around in the shed
I wasn’t being pressure by him
I just wanted to explore a male body
I was so freaking nervous
I didn’t know what to do
We took off our clothes
His was already up; I was getting there
I just hold it; that was all I did
He wanted to get inside of me
I wasn’t ready; I was scared too
We lay on the ground
He held me to cease my worries
There was nothing to be afraid of
It was okay
I got scared again, not because of him
Someone came running to the backyard
Damn, he will find us naked
There was a big hole in the door
We dressed as fast as we could
His young brother opened the door
He thought there was something up between us
We was speechless
We went on with our business
We hadn’t speak of the close call ever again
I didn’t want anyone to know about me
Of course, our mouths were shut
My family wouldn’t understand at all


Posted by scareykatt at 3:10 AM EST
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Friday, 7 February 2003

Rainbow Freedom
By Kazz Falcon

Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals don’t have that much freedom
We tended to cave into society
A place where people listened to the world
They don’t treat us with respect
We cheated out of true happiness and selves
We was beaten for the people we was
We defeated by the world, but not by God
He gave us that life
No matter what the world believed
We was trapped in the closet to live unhappy lifes
Some gave up their lives
They believed it was a sin
Parents and friends grieved
It wasn’t a game
Our lifes were at stake
Wake up and smell the coffee
Nail this on your head
We was the same from God
We blamed this world
It caused great pain
Satan put lies in people’s heads
Others may never know the truth
Satan thought he was clever
Whatever he told you, we shall listen to our hearts
There won’t be any more slaps across our faces
We will be free from being trap in the closet
We will fight for our rights
We will march in the gay parades
We will continued to have our gay pride weekends
We knew in our hearts that we was born gay
Few people really don’t want to accept that
They want us to stay in the closet
They want us to live a normal life – Straight
God, please give us the freedom and the world
We richly deserved to live our lifes to the fullest
The minutes turned into hours
We burned to be the person that God made us
The truth will set us free from the closet to live our lifes
We wouldn’t trade our rainbow freedom


Posted by scareykatt at 3:09 AM EST
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